Last time, Devastator got sent back in time and found out that all the time traveling that he and SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY did pissed off some powerful, cosmic assholes. Now, those assholes a wreaking havoc across all of time. They say that they’re attacking “all” of time. Obviously that makes no sense because then they wouldn’t be attacking the present. They would be attacking always. That wouldn’t work at all and would be really hard to write a story about, but that’s what’s going on. I’m telling you, sometimes you have to suck it up and stop crying and worrying about stuff.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY, Lilly, and Devastator arrived at the site where most of the destruction was happening. Most of the destruction was coming from three forty foot tall corporeal beings that looked almost like giant, wispy Grim Reapers.

Armies from nations all across the world were already there and doing their best to fight the beings with all they had. The man leading the attack was, of course, Ice Cube.

“It’s about muthafuckin’ time! We doin’ all we can here, but somebody gotta roast this muthafucka! You wit’ me, nicca?” Ice Cube said.

“I’m with you, Ice Cube.” SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY said.

Everyone, even the three entities, within a three mile radius stopped what they were doing and gasped hard—Those were the first words ever uttered by the most powerful and sexually active eight-year old super hero.

“Damn, son.” Ice Cube said.

After a few moments the fighting resumed. The heroes were trying to plan a battle strategy when the entities spoke, “Enough! It’s time to end this! We shall now cause time to stop being linear! It will only exist as a point! You will all cease to exist and our job will be done!”

The beings then began focusing their powers together into what appeared to be a ball of energy between them. The ball of energy suddenly began drawing everything into it. Everyone was trying to resist getting sucked in.

Suddenly Lilly’s expression became stern and she started flying at top speed at the energy ball.

“We can’t beat them in our world, so we have to draw them into theirs!” She said. “I’ll use my magic to draw them into the Time Point and make you guys able to exist in there! SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY! Devastator! Ice Cube! I know you can beat them! Please!”

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY watched as Lilly flew towards the ball of energy and as she started using her magic, everything turned white.

Look out for Part 18!

At the end of the last adventure, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY took the M*A*S*H character look-a-like and hurled him into a portal and sent his hairy shit to the beginning of time. Well, not exactly. You see, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY’s newfound time powers were, well, newfound. He hadn’t quite gotten things on lockdown at that point. You see, he sent Devastator (who has summarily removed the exclamation mark from his name due to formatting issues in openoffice.org’s Writer) to before the beginning of time. Now, I understand that this doesn’t make much sense and probably can’t really happen as far as “logic” or “science” are concerned, but it makes for a good story so shut up.

The thing about Devastator is that he is from the future (as far as SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY’s present is concerned) and although he occasionally assumes the form of an ugly actor from the 70’s, he is truly powerful—And not even that ugly. His true form is that of an buff, evil-looking guy that pretty much looks like he came from a comic book. No joke—he wears black and has a cape and everything. Not like “Archie” or something, either. I’m talking this dude looks straight out of Spawn or some shit. Why he makes himself look like Jamie Farr is beyond me. I mean, even if he did like M*A*S*H that much, he still picked the worst character. Anyway, Devastator is truly one of the most powerful beings ever. So powerful, in fact, that he can exist outside of time.

Before there was time, there was a whole lot of blackness and spinning shits, apparently. There wasn’t much to see or do since not even Devastator could exist consciously. He was neither alive nor dead. His existence could best be described as dreaming. Whatever that means. Seems like it was supposed to sound poetic or something. Weird.

Suddenly, in they abyss something spoke into his mind.

“We are beings beyond your understanding. I will create an illusionary world in your mind that you will understand so that we may speak to you,” the voice said. Suddenly, Devastator appeared and so did a room around him. He looked around and noticed boobies, loud music, and dollar bills.

“A strip club?” He said. “Whoever did this knows what’s up.”

The beings that spoke to him appeared as strippers and took him into a VIP room. He sat down in a chair and began searching for his wallet only to realize that it apparently didn’t exist there. He sighed heavily and listened to what they had to say.

“Listen and listen well. You and your fellow beings that dwell within the confines of time have become too powerful. Your existence here is proof of that. We have decided that we are declaring war on you,” the strippers said in unison while trying to ignore Devastator’s giant boner.

“You aren’t…Gods, are you?” Devastator asked.

“No. The existence of everything that is is far beyond any level of your comprehension, and even ours at levels higher than us. However, we can see your progress and feel as if it may become a threat to us. We cannot allow this.” They said.

Devastator could barely understand, let alone believe what they were saying. He knew one thing—If what they were saying was true, he was in deep shit.

“Now! I will send you back from when you came. Since we exist separate from time as you understand it, the assault will probably be started when we put you back. We wish you to deliver the message and surrender so that the slaughter can happen with little resistance. Now go…” As they finished speaking, Devastator felt something familiar—Pain. He woke up on the floor of his lair in SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY’s time. He crumpled up on the floor because the last thing that happened before he was thrown in the portal was SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY punching him right in the sack.

Eight to eleven minutes later, he stood up and was about to leave when SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY and Lilly ran into the building.

“Devastator! How did I know we’d find you again! What have you done?” Lilly said. She was almost ready to burst into tears.

Devastator ran past them and looked outside. Lemme just tell you, shit was fucked. The sky was black. Things were destroyed and people were panicking. He turned around and said, “Check this shit out.” and retold what had happened to him.

“Son of a titmaster…” Lilly said in disbelief. “I don’t know how to say this, but if you’re right, then we’re in even worse trouble than you think. If what you said is what’s up, then they must only be preparing right now… Their full attack must be coming soon!”

Devastator paused to consider the situation and had an idea. He began to speak only for the building to start shaking.

“Look,” Devastator began, “I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore, but our shit is about to get pushed in and I don’t like it. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not gonna stand here while our whole… dimension gets it’s shit tore up. I know I’m a bad guy and all that, but there won’t even be anything for me to try to rule if these things take over. They spoke to me so now I feel like I gotta go out there and try to stop them, or at the very least have front row seats for our shit getting ended.”

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY nodded and ran outside along with Devastator and Lilly not knowing what was ahead, but knowing that if they couldn’t stop it, no one could.

Yikes, that was a different tone than most of these. Stay tuned for Part 17!

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY got railed pretty hard last time. Many questions were left unanswered as well… How will he get back? Who exactly is Devastator!? Why was Lilly a faerie? Guess there’s a lot of faeries in the future. Maybe they’re robots? Whenever I think about faeries, I always think of Tinkerbell. Not ugly Julia Roberts from Hook**, I mean the hot, 1953 Disney Peter Pan Tinkerbell. AKA, the hottest cartoon character ever.



So hot…

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY awoke in a dark alley. He took a moment to gather himself and then ventured out of the alley. Looking around, he could tell he was in the past dude to the olden timey dress and abundance of hookers. He checked his time machine book and realized that he wasn’t as proficient in Theoretical Physics as he thought. He put the book away and went to the first person he saw and beat them without mercy until they told him the year. Vomiting blood, the man told him, “1905.” SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY knew his history, and when you’re in Switzerland in 1905, there’s only one man to talk to about time travel: Albert Einstein. He flew to a university and, after causing a minor scene, he found out where Einstein was.

Meanwhile…

Lilly’s portal happened to take her to approximately 27 minutes after the incident. She flew back to The Evil Lair to see what Devastator! was up to. As supervillains usually do, he was talking loudly about things to himself.

“Once this machine is built, I shall use it to absorb enough power to travel in time and destroy SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY once and for all! Once he’s out of the way, I’ll come back and keep absorbing power until I can crush the Earth itself!” The excessively hairy man proclaimed.

Lilly noticed the machine he was building and also the (pat. pending) Portal-Maker 350 that he used to get to this time. Since she knew a bit about time travel, (she’s a faerie from the future, it’s not so far-fetched) she knew that SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY wouldn’t be able to travel in time without a Flux Capacitor. Luckily for her, he had a box of them in the corner. She grabbed an armful of them, and flew into the portal machine. Coincidently, the portal machine was preset to the time and place right were SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was standing.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was standing in front of Einstein’s house when a portal opened and Lilly flew out of it. She explained the situation and then they knocked on Einstein’s door. The familiar historic figure answered the door.

“Wat up? lol” The famous scientist asked.

“You’re shitting me. Albert Einstein does not talk in internet jargon!” Lilly declared.

“LMAO ROFL! u dont no me vry good, do u?” Einstein said.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was in physical pain because of what he was hearing, but explained the situation. He showed him the book and Lilly gave him the Flux Capacitors.

“lol ill take care of this. sci is ez no were im coming 4rm lololol?”

In no time, the time machine was done.

“teh system is up in this lil watch lol. just ware it and ull b able to controlllll it wif ur mind lol. isnt that KEWL!!?!??!?! lololol ROFLCOPTER.”Einstein said.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY put on the watch and immediately gave the Physicist the beating of his life for talking like that.

“You deserved it! That shit is FUCKED up!” the tiny faerie said.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY used his new mind/watch powers to transport them back to his time.

“Okay, now we need a plan of action! How are we going to stop him?” she asked. By that time, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY had busted into the lair and was about to fight Devastator!.

“You again? Looks like you’ll need to go further back, this time!” Devastator! said. He began to open portals again.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY laughed and closed the portals with his new powers. He then sucker-punched Devastator right in the crotch. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY then opened a portal to the beginning of the universe and uppercutted Devastator! right into the portal. He closed the portal and returned to his vacation.

Part 16 coming at ya?

[EDIT 8/26/09: The picture link finally stopped working. Now you'll have to use your imagination or just google "Juila Roberts Hook"]

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY learned his lesson last time. I mean, he knows now not to unleash random powers so he can stop being bored. Nah, just kidding. We all know people don’t learn lessons. What was that shit about Fabio though, anyway? Was that really necessary?

After the events of the last episode, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY decided he needed a vacation. He put in notice well in advance at the modeling agency and took off. He packed his bags and went to the airport so he could be on his way to lovely Miami Beach. (Yeah, I know he can fly, stop ruining the story, jackasses.) He didn’t feel like going through the hassle with airport security so he put his Slayer CD into his CD Player and whooped all their asses. While he was busy rocking out, he accidentally got on the wrong plane. A plane headed for danger!

He arrived in Switzerland without further incident. He quickly realized that he was in the wrong place but he didn’t care; He was listening to Slayer. (I know they don’t let you use electronic devices at certain points on airplanes. Shut up.)

His stay was going quite well. There was a sweet hotel, hot girls named Heidi, delicious chocolate, and all kinds of stuff for him to do. He was standing in the parking lot of a sausage-based restaurant doing backflips to impress the ladies, when a time-gate suddenly opened in front of him. A stern looking elderly woman appeared out of the portal and was promptly hit by a truck. Then a small, glowing faerie appeared out of it and closed the portal behind her.

“SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY! I come from the future to ask for your help!” She asked.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was about to explain to her about how this, logistically speaking, shouldn’t be happening due to paradoxes and the fact that it would not happen due to further actions, but he decided against it.

“There is an evil man 2000 years in the future who seeks to control time! He wants to come back and use various points in history to his advantage! Only you, the greatest hero of all time, can stop his evil power!” She said.

Despite being unhappy that his vacation was ruined, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY accepted anyway.

“My name is Lilly, by the way,” she giggled. She then opened another portal and took SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY’S hand and flew through time. When they exited the portal, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY saw that they were on the steps of a smallish building that said “Evil Lair.” How convenient.

They walked in the front door and SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY saw a book titled “Making A Time Machine: The Pocket Guide.” he scooped it up and put it into his pocket because it seemed like a good idea. Not to give the next story away or anything… They entered the boss’s chamber and saw a frail looking guy that kinda looked like Jamie Farr. On his cape was a nametag that said Devastator!

“Stupid faerie! You’re too late! I’ve already obtained enough power to whomp everyone’s salty asses!” Devastator! said. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY never did ask why she was a faerie or where she came from.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY lunged forward and tried the “Uncomfortable Rash” attack. Devastator! used his powers to open like 25 time-gates. He grabbed SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY and Lilly and tossed them into separate gates. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY landed in a strange land, not knowing what was to become…

Who wants some PART 15?

Last time, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY—*sound of door knocking.* Oops, excuse me.(sound of door opening) Hello? No, I don’t need any magazines. No, no thank you. I…No…See, I would but… (five minutes later) LISTEN TO ME, YOU SILLY FUCK: I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN MAGAZINES. *door slams* Okay where was I? *sound of door being busted open* What? NO MAGAZINES! What? I don’t care if you have a gun! What? Alright, let’s go, biatch! *kung fu noises* *sound of running* AND DON’T YOU TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN. Hah, whooped his ass proper. Anyway, back to the story.

That gayish bastard, Richard Simmons, made a smooth getaway. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY had no idea where to start looking for him, either. He grabbed his cd player and his Hello Nasty cd and flew about the country looking for the flaccid, sweaty man. He was flying around when the spirit figure of Lacey appeared in front of him.

“SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY, you must go to Las Vegas! Richard Simmons is there!” She said

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY became aroused at the sight of his departed fuck-budd–I mean partner, and headed towards Las Vegas. When he got there, he was wondering why Richard would go there. He looked around and saw that KISS was playing at The Mirage and had a rush of insight on what was going on.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY flew hard and fast into The Mirage but and saw in terror that Richard’s fusion had begun. He saw the exercise guru, Richard Simmons, fusing with Glam-Metal god, Gene Simmons. After a few seconds, there was a brilliant flash and the two were one–Turbo Simmons was born.

“HAHAHA, you stand no chance now, boy! I AM TURBO SIMMONS! I like to rock and roll all night, and party ev-a-ry day! MWAHAHA!” the irregular evil-doer said.

Turbo Simmons used his Destroyer Thighs and launched SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY out of the building. He tried to make a quick comeback with his “Laxative Bomb” attack, but he was swiftly batted away. He thought fast about what to do. Suddenly, he had a plan. He quickly phoned his modeling agency and had them Insta-Port (pat. pending) a model over to assist.

Turbo Simmons saw the capsule appear and laughed, “HAHAHA! Think you can defeat me with a hot girl? You are sadly mistaken!”

The capsule opened to reveal none other than Fabio himself.

“My name is Fabio. My hair is so pretty. I can’t believe it’s not butter–spray.” He said.

After seeing this, something happened inside of Turbo Simmons. His existence started to twist and change, and with another flash, he reverted back to Gene and Richard Simmons (respectively).

“HE IS SOOOOOO HOT!” Richard cooed.

“Good God!” Gene said.

Gene Simmons wasted no time and wheel-kicked the shit out of Richard Simmons and drop-kicked Fabio back into his capsule. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY saw his opportunity and blasted Richard Simmons with a “Super Touch Blast” and Richard was defeated. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY and Gene Simmons shook hands and went back to the concert at The Mirage.

PART 14 will be out soon!

In the last installment of THE ADVENTURES OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY, hot and beloved Lacey met her untimely death at the hands of a small, popular Japanese Anime character. After this sad occurrence, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY decided to quit being president. He left the country in the capable hands of Andre 3000 and went back to SMUT N’ City to find work. He found a good job as an oil boy for a local model talent search place. It was his sole responsibility to rub oil over countless hot models and actresses each day. He went about this for a while, but became bored with it. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was a super hero. He had so many ultimate powers that allowed him to sexually harass at an above average rate of speed, and they were going unused. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY decided that sometime you gotta make your own trouble. He decided to go and unleash a great evil on the world so that he could defeat it.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY traveled deep into the depths of the New York sewer system where the most evil being was being held away from the public in a super secure facility. It was easy enough for SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY to take care of all the guards with his menacing “Donkey Punch” attack, so he walked inside. There was a huge cryogenic holding chamber inside where the mighty evil was being kept frozen so he wouldn’t unleash his powers and destroy the earth. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY proceeded to pound the crap out of the chamber with this shovel he found outside until it blew open. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was knocked back from the force of the chamber blowing open and it took him a a little while to regain his composure. When he looked up, a glowing figure shot an energy blast up and created a hole. The figure flew up the hole towards the surface. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY dropped the shovel and flew up after him.

The figure was floating above NYC laughing when SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY popped out of the hole. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was horrified at what he saw; The most evil being on earth was none other than Richard Simmons. The glowing exercise guru saw SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY laughed.

“Silly boy,” he said. “You don’t realize that I am far too powerful for you to defeat! WORK THOSE THIGHS! But I’m not even at my full strength yet, so once I am, you’re totally fucked! PLAY SOME MORE OLDIES!”

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY wasted no time and began to attack the questionable monster with all he had. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY did quite well in his efforts–Richard Simmons was winded and practically defeated.

“Gah, you did better than I thought! LETS TRIM THOSE TUMMIES! I don’t think I can defeat you until I reach my full strength. I must make my get away… pocket sand!” The demented Richard Simmons produced some sand from his pocket and nailed SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY right in the eyes.

When SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY regained his sight, Richard Simmons was gone.

Stay tuned for lucky number (PART) 13!

Holy crap! That Hello Kitty is one bad mutha! Luckily Maynard and the boys of Tool were there to help out. The three villains are gone now… Who would have guessed a ghost, a seven year old, and a president would, when fused, become a crappy singer? Crazy.

Anyway, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY is The President now, but he can’t seem to relax… That sick, demented, evil cartoon character is hiding somewhere. She must be plotting evil…

EVIL!!!!!!!

Well, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY knew that he would have to fight the dreaded Hello Kitty sometime in the future, but he also knew that even if he and Lacey combined their strength, it wouldn’t be enough. Besides that, he also had to worry about running the country since he was in charge. Bill Clinton called him all the time to talk and find out how things are going now that he’s gone… Dick Cheney kept coming over to pick up something that he forgot… It all became too much for poor SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY to handle. He wrote a note and then left the White House Lacey walked in and saw the note. This is what it said:

Dear Lacey,
I, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY, am going on a journey. I heard from the guy behind the deli counter that there is a secret, mysterious artifact that may help he defeat Hello Kitty. The pressure of all of what’s happening right now is too much for this super-sexy super hero to handle, so I’m making you deal with it. You’re in charge until I’m come back.
Love,
SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY

“Oh, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY,” Lacey said, “why must you do so much on your own? I am here for you…”

Lacey decided that she needed to do something about the Hello Kitty menace. She decided to go on her own to finish it by herself. She called Outkast member Andre 3000 to look after the country while she was gone. The country was in good hands.

“We coo’ ” Andre said.

Lacey traveled to Japan where the demonic cartoon character lived. Meanwhile, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was in Whales or someplace looking for the secret artifact. It turns out that the guy behind the deli counter actually meant “AK47″ when he said Secret Artifact. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY wasn’t one to complain, so he paid the illegal gun salesman and headed for Japan.

Lacey was fighting Hello Kitty when SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY arrived. She was getting her ass whomped hardcore by the tiny cat. Lacey swung her broadsword heroically, but Hello Kitty snapped it in half like a sword-shaped saltine. She then proceeded to smear it with peanut butter and eat it like a sword-shaped saltine. Weird.

Hello Kitty summoned all her mightiest powers and blasted Lacey with a JPop energy blast. Lacey let out a scream before vanishing from existence. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY flew into the biggest rage induced powerup of all time. Seriously, this kid went fuckin’ ape shit. I can’t even begin to describe how strong he was or how he defeated Hello Kitty, but trust me, it was awesome.

After he defeated Hello Kitty, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY became very sad at the loss of his friend. He was about to cry when Lacy’s spirit appeared naked before him.

“SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY, don’t grieve over me. It was my choice to fight her on my own so I accept my death. You should as well because… Hey! look at my face when I’m talking to you!” The naked Lacey said.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY grinned. Lacey rolled her eyes and faded away. Yet another victory for SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY! Although this was a somber/erotic/undescribed victory, it was still a victory nonetheless.

Part 12

Welcome to THE ADVENTURES OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY 10th episode special event!

Last time, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY easily defeated President Bush. Too easily… Anyway, everyone knows that if you beat the president, then you become the president. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY went to Washington to find out what he needed to do. When he got there, there was a big crowd waiting for him to make his inaugural speech. He stepped up to the podium and started…

Meanwhile, in a secret location, GW found himself very much alive.

“What? I thought he was going to kill me! Where am I?” The confused Ex-President said. Haziz “Gangsta” Rodriguez was there as well.

“Huh? The last thing I remember is turning into a pineapple! What’s going on?” He said.

The ghost of The Wrestler appeared in the room.

“Uh oh, something heavy’s going down around here…”

A voice in the darkness called out to them, “Greetings my evil warriors. I know you have failed to defeat SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY in the past, but now we shall defeat him…”

“But what if we don’t wanna?” Gangsta said.

A giant, bloody, clawed hand jutted forth out of the darkness and grabbed Gangsta. The voice whispered, “It would seem that you don’t have a choice…”

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY appointed Rick The Mafia Boss as his Vice President and one or more of the following people as cabinet members: Don Knots, John Goodman, Barbara Striesand, Rosie O’ Donnel, Ricki Martin, Christopher Reeves, that other wheelchair guy…you know, the physics one…oh yeah! Steven Hawkings, Lucy Liu (secretary of S&M…hehehe), and that one bald guy that everyone hates. These people will never be mentioned again.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was unpacking his stuff when a Girl Scout approached him, “SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY, you are in grave danger,” she started, ” there is a mighty evil gathering energy and warriors! This is the strongest thing you’ve ever seen! He will stop at nothing to destroy you! You must be wary… Here, take this. It will help you find him.” She handed him an Evil Detector. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY bought cookies from her and she left. Lacey, the first lady(no, they’re not together like that. I know it doesn’t make sense, so don’t bother me.), walked up to him.

“We better check this out,” Ms. Obvious stated.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY fired up the detector and began tracking the evil presence. The screen was aglow with flashing lights and blinking deeleys.

“Hey, that says that they’re right here! That doesn’t make any…” Lacey got cut off by a super-mega-blast from GW. The three evil villains that everyone knows and loves showed up right on cue. They were standing in a highly photogenic pose that consisted of them flexing, folding their arms, or looking inquisitive. They stood in a perfect isosceles triangle where the two base angles were 55 degrees and the other angle, which was pointed at SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY, was 75 degrees.

Behind them, a portal began to open. A large mass of bats flooded out as a cloud of dark energy was formed. The cloud of energy/bats rested upon the ground and began to take shape. A darkness emanated as it was almost complete. A dark flash pulsed out of the being as it’s identity was finally revealed: It was Hello Kitty.

The tiny kitten like creature, with a head disproportionate to its body size, wore a black cloak and carried a long (long compared to it’s size) staff made of tiny skulls with a large red crystal on top. Its fur was white and it wore a tiny pink bow above one ear.

“HA HA HA! Now that you know my identity, know my power HA HA HA!” Hello Kitty said with the same dark and creepy voice from before.

The dark wizard/japanese cartoon character began chanting and calling forth a great power. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY and Lacey watched helplessly as the three loveable evil-doers were gathered and as they began to fuse together. Their existences writhed and stretched. With a sudden flash the three were gone. They now existed as one ridiculously powered being that transcended anything that they had ever seen before. They had become something with The Wrestler’s strength, Gangsta’s resilience, and GW’s…Well he was pretty strong but he really doesn’t bring much to the table. They had become a Cyborg version of “Weird” Al Yankovic. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY and Lacey were horrified to see their new opponents’ great strength. One was tiny but had powerful magic, and the other was average sized and had immense power and several records that people refuse to buy. Wasting no time, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY and Lacey began their attack. They used all of their moves and powers including Lacey’s “Gaia Crusher Beam” and SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY’s “Violation Thrust” but it was to no avail. Cyborg/Al was much too powerful. He took every hit and still didn’t fall.

“OH NO! How can we win? It’s hopeless…” a visibly shaken Lacey said.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY thought it was the end. His powers were spent and Lacey couldn’t last much longer. He closed his eyes and clenched his fists, angry at himself for not being able to win. The next thing he noticed was his spirit detaching from his body and opening his eyes and seeing nothing. Slowly, figures appeared in front of him. It was the band Tool and they were playing the song Schism. After a few seconds, who else but his parents, Ricardo and The Nurse were appeared in front of him.

“No, son. You are not dead,” His mother said.

“My boy! Your cajones are huge! You’ve grown so strong! You’re hanging out with a sexy lady! I’m so proud of you!” His father said.

“Listen,” his mother began, “You can beat them. I know you can. You must use your full powers and rely on the tools you have.”

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY showed his empty hands; he had no tools.

“No, you silly muchacho! Them!” Ricardo pointed to Maynard Keenan who nodded and waved. “Now go! Your amigos are waiting!” He said.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY’s spirit returned to his body and he looked at Cyborg/Al with a menacing grin. He looked to the sky and Tool began playing. He became super-pumped and used his “Super-Parabola-Tool-Blaster-Sexual-Harassment-Attack” and eliminated Mr. Yankovic, once and for all.

“My, you’re stronger than I gave you credit…I’ll be back in three days to end this!” Hello Kitty then vanished.

Wow! That was exciting! PART 11 is gonna be great!

Ahhh, that’s good ham… Oh! *ahem* Yes, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was victorious last time, with the help of Lacey, of course. I know you’re thinking “Punk ass mutha fucka! That shit was all about that Lacey bitch n’ shit!” Yeah, well get over it.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY began to receive a lot of media after all of the stuff that has happened. (the) Priests, Haziz “Gangsta” Rodriguez, and The Wrestler all were serious issues that helped make him famous. The world was watching, but there was one person in particular who was watching very closely: George W. Bush.

Bush was sitting in his secret base under the White House conducting a meeting with his Secret Service buddies.

“C’mon, now. Call me Gee Dubbaya. We haveta think of a way to git ridda this SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY feller. He’s causin’ all sortsa trouble fer me, and he’s takin’ alla my media attention away!” Bush…er, “GW” said. His Texas accent seemed rather thick today.

LATER THAT DAY

At The SMUT N’ Mafia Headquarters, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY and Lacey were enjoying a day off from their duties as Super Heroes/Mafia people. SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was watching his favorite show on TV and Lacey was practicing with her sword. Suddenly (things always happen suddenly in these stories. Shit just pops up, you know?), an announcement came on TV:

“SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY, The President is coming to kill you! That is all.”

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY stood up and looked out the window and saw GW driving a pick-up truck towards The Mafia HQ. He sighed and went downstairs.

GW stopped the car and stepped out. There was definitely something different about him. He wore an orange-red karate gi and his hair was now black and spiked all over the place.

“I’m gonna kill you!” Goku, I mean GW said.

Lacey understood who The President now was, “Oh, shit!”

GW began to power up. He focused all his power and an aura appeared around him. He became more powerful. So powerful, that his hair turned white and his eyes turned light blue. Yes, GW had become a Super Saiyan. He looked like this:



SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was unimpressed. Not only was he extra awesome, but he also had Lacey as a partner. GW attacked with all his fury. He used powerful blasts and ki-somethings but it was to no avail; SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY was too strong. He and Lacey did their double team attack, “Burning Gas Pain” and GW disappeared.

“SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY! You are now The President of The United States!” Lacey said.

Yowza! PART 10 will be here soon!

Well, it seems that SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY fully recovered from his last harrowing adventure. He also has a new side-kick, the lovely and mysterious Lacey. Things seem to be looking up for SMUT N’ City and its inhabitants. Hmmm, it doesn’t seem like the story is ready to start yet… I guess i can use this extra time to tell you about my favorite soap: Plen-T Clean™. Plen-T Clean™ is great, it leaves your skin so healthy and refreshed. It has 27 different kinds of aloe that…Huh? OK, I guess it’s ready now, here goes…

SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY quit his job at the SMUT N’ Tacos Delivery Place shortly after the incident with The Wrestler. He did so because he didn’t want any more harm come to the place he loved so much (at least that’s what the official documents at the press conference said. It really was because his fat ass manager wouldn’t quit hitting on him, but you didn’t hear that from me). He decided that he needed something to do, so he decided to re-join The Mafia. He approached his old boss, Tony Soppran…Uhh, I mean “Rick,” about getting a new job. Rick was delighted and immediately accepted SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY and Lacey into their Mafia.

Elsewhere, trouble was brewing…

In an undisclosed location in SMUT N’ City, Haziz “Gangsta” Rodriguez was plotting evil once again. This time, instead of wearing his usual Teen Mutated Samurai Frogs shirt and overalls, he was sporting a bad-ass trenchcoat. He grew his hair long and kinda looked like that Crow guy, only without the face paint and he was also less gay looking.

“HA HA HA! I only need one more piece of the magical artifact to become invincible! The last piece is in the hands of Rick, The Mafia guy…”

(ooo, that was foreboding, wasn’t it? Just like the movies… I bet you’re all like, “Damn, what that kid be doin’? That man be inta some serious shit, knawmean?”)

Back at Mafia HQ, Lacey was takin’ SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY in a little game of b-ball. She was killing him 42-15, which isn’t very surprising, considering he’s only three-and-a-half feet tall.

“OHHHH SNAP! Who just dunked on you kid? Boom baby! Who da shiznit ’round here?” Lacey shouted.

Before SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY could say anything, a Mafia guy ran in the room, “Guys! Come quick! Rick is in trouble!”

A voice came on over the PA system, “Hello, SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY. This is Gangsta, I’m almost done with The Artifact of Big Power, but you can’t stop me. I’ve created a trap that will destroy SMUT N’ City that can only be deactivated by your sexual harassment powers! HA HA HA! Also, there is a red truck with license plates, MFIA RLZ, in the parking lot with its lights on. That is all.”

“SEXUAL HARASSMENT BOY! I know what to do! You go disarm his trap, and I’ll go fight him! How does that sound? Hey, where’d you go?” Lacey said. Obviously he already left to go disarm the trap.

Lacey dashed over to Rick’s office where the tiny assailant was completing the ritual of The Big Artifact, or whatever he was doing. She used her massive broadsword to slice n’ dice the artifact.

“Yes! Your chopping of the artifact completed the ritual! Now I will learn of the powers it can bring me!”

Gangsta then turned into a pineapple.

“Whoops. This isn’t good, I’ll be back some day!” Gangsta said as he disappeared into a cloud of dust.

Lacey blinked several times before walking back to meet SEXUAL HARASSMNET BOY.

Part IX is on da way!